the values and goals of a culture pass from one generation to the next. They are not learned the way skills are learned. We learn our earliest values under the influence of attachment-related signals that represent, not our own success or failure, but our parents' love or rejection. When we maintain our standards, we feel virtuous rather than merely successful. When we violate those standards, we feel shame and guilt rather than mere disappointment. This is not just a matter of words: those things are not the same; it is like the difference between ends and means