on 22-Jan-2017 (Sun)

Usually, they are high points by virtue of the emotional impact. There’s a sense of shared reality, emotion, and it’s the most memorable part of the conversation

Conversations fluctuate by nature. The energy level in a conversation is not going to remain fixed and static throughout. Conversation energy levels are like sound waves and there are inevitable lows.

Many people don’t converse optimally because they fail to recognize this and don’t compensate for it

If you want to master the art of conversation, you have to use this oscillating factor to your advantage and utilize the high points you create to bounce the conversation back up

How do you know that something is the high point of a conversation without hindsight? That’s the wrong question to ask.

High point examples:

You can share a big laugh.

You can both get emotional and cry.

You share a strong perspective on an issue that no one else does.

You witness something either horrifying or hilarious together.

You finish each other’s sentences. You create an inside joke with them.

You both struggle to not laugh when you observe something.

Now that you've identified the emotional high point that was reached in the conversation don't let it go to waste. Take note of it and put it in your pocket for use in the very near future. Don’t let it go old like some month-old milk that you’re afraid to throw away because of the smell. You are going to callback to it. What do I mean by this? It’s simple, and it’s also a tactic used by just about every standup comedian.

You are just going to refer to it in the context of your current topic. For example, you talked about your favorite kind of dog earlier in the conversation. There was a high point about comparing yourself to a wiener dog because, well, it’s hilarious.

Now your current topic of conversation is style and different types of jackets. How do you callback to the wiener dog high point from earlier by referring to it in the context of jackets?

Yeah, unfortunately, I can’t wear that type of jacket because I’m mostly similar to the wiener dog, remember?

Just combine the two elements and capitalize on the high point you had from earlier. How does this work to your favor? Well, when you refer to that point later in the conversation, it sends a message that you paid attention.

You will come off as an extremely attentive, observant, and even clever person. You’re borrowing the emotions invested and summoning them at a point in the conversation that has lower energy. You are creating the wave of energy from your work before, in a funny and charming way.

For example, you talked about your favorite kind of dog earlier in the conversation. There was a high point about comparing yourself to a wiener dog because, well, it’s hilarious.

Now your current topic of conversation is style and different types of jackets. How do you callback to the wiener dog high point from earlier by referring to it in the context of jackets?

Yeah, unfortunately, I can’t wear that type of jacket because I’m mostly similar to the wiener dog, remember?

when you refer to that point later in the conversation, it sends a message that you paid attention.

When two people reach a conversation high point, they feel a certain bond with each other.

Prior high point: a shared hatred of limited parking.

Current topic of conversation: the weather.

Callback: Yeah, the rain will definitely be welcome when we can’t find parking spots within ten blocks of our apartment.

In the same way an orchestra conductor can hit the same high musical point but through different arrangements and different approaches, you should keep referring to this conversation high point.

When you keep referring to that high point but with different reference points and different approaches, you are reawakening the emotional urgency the person you're talking to has in your conversation. If you do this well enough, the overall energy level of your conversation can remain relatively constant.

In the mind of the person you're talking to, the conversation never teeters out. This leads them to perceive you as a very clever, interesting, and intelligent person to talk to. You end up making a very favorable impression to them. In reality, what you just did was identify a high point, and you kept recycling that high point in your conversation.

If you interrupt constantly and don’t let people get on track with what they want to say, they will eventually start to hate you because you come off as selfish and self-absorbed

interrupting artfully is a concept that you have to be careful with.

When you talk to someone, there are several levels of communication happening simultaneously. People can feel just fine consciously, yet have a negative feeling subconsciously

So how do you interrupt artfully, and avoid the negative feelings that might be associated with interruptions?

Interrupt to show you are really excited about what they are saying.

interrupt to complete that person’s sentence, and interrupt to show that you are emotionally present with them.

I was just in Greece and loved it when… [interruption] No way! That is so exciting and Greece is my favorite place in the whole world!

And then I tried parking there and the meter maid… [interruption] Was terrible and ticketed you anyway despite the sign, right?! She’s the worst

What do all the examples of interrumption share? They all denote a level of excitement for what the other person is talking about.

You are also interrupting because you feel as strongly about the subject as they do. You have the same level of emotional urgency, and that is key. Instead of challenging them, you are agreeing heavily, and who doesn’t like to be agreed with?

The more they feel you are in the same emotional place as them, the more they will like you

It’s not difficult to actually predict what people are saying so that you can interrupt to agree, or finish their sentences. You can usually tell when they are getting worked up, and when people get worked up, they make big proclamations. They even use hyperbole.

If you know they feel strongly about something, interject there!

Of course, interrupting can backfire on you if you guess the wrong way.

There’s an easy solution forbackfiring in interruption.

You simply interrupt them but don’t finish your sentence. For example: I know! It’s so… And then you allow them to finish the statement with amazing! or horrible! so you can see which direction they are going.

Let's face it, modern life can occasionally be alienating and isolating

At some level, most people feel that few people truly get who they are. Whether or not this is true, it’s a mindset that motivates us every day.

When you speak in unison with somebody, this creates emotional unison. You both get emotionally engaged and these "aha" moments can't help but draw you closer to each other.

These are all things that precede bonding inside jokes from shared experiences, which leads to the impression of "you and me against the world". We’re not just talking about friendship here. We're talking about a deep and profound level of loyalty.

if you can finish each other’s sentences, you can create the feeling of familiarity and closeness.

The singular key to a successful conversation is comfort.

if the other person isn’t feeling comfortable and safe, any hope you have for a genuine connection flies out the window.

What is one of the best and easiest ways you can make someone feel comfortable? Speak their language. Use their terms. Take yourself into their verbal comfort zone and let them feel like they’re on home turf.

Speaking their language might involve some or all of the following: their accent, their tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, and gestures

We all grew up in vastly different contexts and that context informs both their perspective and their verbal comfort zone. If you want to become a truly effective conversationalist, you need to quickly figure out what this context is

To create comfort, you have to speak their language. But this doesn’t mean that you emulate all of their mannerisms and attempt to become a clone of them.

The first step is to observe the vocabulary and vernacular someone uses.

To use someone’s vocabulary can make a huge difference in how they perceive you.

When you go beyond vocabulary and go into mannerisms, gestures, and body language, this is how you can relate to people at their core.

With just a tiny bit of background research, you can discover people’s contexts and comfort zones before you even talk to them.

But don’t go overboard

Speaking someone’s language allows you to penetrate their comfort zone faster than most other techniques.

irritants. These are any sounds or movements that do not add to your message.

tendency to mimic the body language of others is technically called limbic resonance

Limbic resonance is made possible thanks to a certain class of neurons called oscillators, which coordinate people physically by regulating how and when their bodies move together.